“Drowning in our own debris. Fool our thoughts as though we’re free. Close our eyes so we can see. The depth of all we mean to be. If only in my eyes”- Avenged Sevenfold
Sometimes I wake up and forget where I am. For a moment I can sense a piece of my past from years ago. I think about my future and where I want to be. Where I want to go from today. How I’m going to get there. I lose myself in thought and end up somewhere I know I could never be.
The Depths of an Eccentric Mentality
My mind is a canyon of scattered thoughts and broken dreams. With each new day comes a new path I want to take. I’m focused on my intentions in my current choices, yet believe I can always do more. Be better.
I imagine myself as the person I want to be and neglect the person I am. The person I’ve become.
My inner world is a fantasy land of hopes, desires, and dreams that plague me with their depths of nothingness. I’m a walking talking zombie with no real motivation to put my thoughts into action. I get stuck often and leave my mind for days at a time just to escape the infinite direction it leads me.
Progress is a Seesaw
After being away, the urge starts to build. There is a spark within me that won’t allow me to rest. It’s a point in my heart that wants to expand. So, I start to move forward. I start to progress once more into the abyss of myriad ideation. I wander through the chambers of my heart in search of the next act.
What I often find, is an ever growing knowing of the reasons for my regression. It’s in the moments of stonewall that fuel the ability to grow, to move forward. I find that in the times of low ambitions, my ability to truly take a step forward is increased ten fold. The hardest part is the first step. Once my route begins to take shape, my speed increases, and my destination becomes clear.
It’s not so much about the end of the journey, rather the progress that’s made towards fulfillment in the cycle.
Finding Freedom in the Story
“The Heart wants what it wants – or else it does not care”- Emily Dickenson
I find that quote to be fairly accurate. If my heart is into what I’m seeking, it lifts me up to another level and pushes me forward in leaps and bounds. If my heart’s just not into what I’m seeking, it will simply just not show up. When my heart’s not into it, whatever IT is, everything just becomes mundane. Perhaps that’s where the true freedom to move forward lies.
Your heart will not always be on. It’s there when you need it, but can also remain silent to allow you to choose. To choose to take the next step. To do the work that’s somewhat unfavorable. It’s like sending a child off on a bike on their own for the first time. You’re the heart, the inspiration, the guide. You can only hold on so long, but it’s up to your child to start peddling. It’s up to them to use the guidance to build momentum and then ride on.
The freedom in your story is in the moments when the heart silences and the ability to push your story forward is challenged. If you live up to the challenge, your heart will follow. If you can find the strength to push through the noise. To push through the challenges. The parts of your story that you don’t really care to do. If you can stay the course, even when it becomes tedious and boring, you’ll soon see just how free you truly are to choose.
Some say follow your heart. I say let your heart guide you and then let something deeper move you forward. Overcome what your mind tells you and trust your heart to lead you, even when your heart doesn’t seem to care. Trust in the freedom of your own story. You may not end up where you wanted to go, but you will end up where you were meant to be.